The Rules I Ignored…

There are thousands of books on the market advising women on how to get a man and keep him. Be yourself-but be different. Be a bitch- don’t be a monster. Wear that sexy black dress- don’t try too hard. I’ve never been one to remember all the confusing tips after reading books like that or applying it to real-life situations. The truth is, when we think we have found ‘the one’, we tend to throw the rule book out and go about our relationship the best way we know how. But what if you come to a point in your relationship when your ‘best’ isn’t enough for your significant other?

I threw the rule book out. I read it. Internalized it and forgot 98% of it. I decided to be myself and for the past two years I kept my spirits high, hopes full, and my guard down. Little did I know that I would be sitting in front of my computer screen feeling the exact opposite. Right now I feel like I let myself down.

By throwing out the rule book, I thought I would be the best girlfriend there ever was. You know,the one who doesn’t care to call eight times a day, or doesn’t text 437 times to check where he is or what he is doing, the one who make enough dinner, so he can have a packed lunch for the next day, the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and pre-arranged everything so that life would just be a breeze. I figured that the more I did, the more he would see how invaluable I was to him.

Then one day the appreciative comments stopped, the ‘thanks you’s’ were few and far between. It was as if certain loving gestures like dinner, dry cleaning, and errands were just expected. Had I created a monster? Was this a result of always doing my best? Was this behaviour exactly what those books were referring to?

The truth is, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I don’t want the pages of a ‘how to’ book to slap me in the face for doing exactly the opposite of what it was telling me to do.

This is what I do know…

I know that when you walk through the door and you divert your eyes to the kitchen counter instead of my beaming face, I die a little on the inside.

I know that when you’re thoughtfully chewing your food, my ears perk up to hear what you’re going to say about the meal I worked so hard to plan and prepare.

I know that when the gentleman at the dry cleaners calls me Mrs. G, I blush and scuttle off, only to remember half way home that you were didn’t ask me to pick it up, you told me to.

I know that when you haven’t called or texted all day and it’s past 11pm, I fear the worst.

I know that when we both come home from a long day of work and you don’t ask me how was day was, I feel alone.

I know that the silence between us is getting bigger and louder everyday and I am afraid you can’t hear me screaming on the inside.

Maybe the chapters I skipped over was trying to warn me about feeling like this if I didn’t play by the rules. Perhaps playing by the rules, instead of giving it all you’ve got is the only way to get a man and keep him.

 

 

 

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Can a frog really be a Prince?

Let’s face it ladies, we are going to have kiss a lot of frogs before we meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Most fairy tales skip out on the part where we meet the frogs that mascaraed as princes. You know the frogs I’m talking about. The lengthy list of tossers we wasted our time, emotions, and mascara on. But what happens when they come back professing their love for you? Do you take them back? Do you let the outpour of love and affection for you take you over and forgive everything?

Getting dumped is never a good feeling. As women we go through many phases after a break up. From being devastatingly heartbroken, to grievance, to the feeling of emptiness, that turns into anger, frustration, and finally pity (from them); we eventually get over it. We think: “someday he’s going to crawl back to me” and with that, we move on, becoming a stronger, more experienced woman. What happens when that someday happens and they come back? What happens when he tells you that you are the one he wants to be with and he was too blind to see it from the get-go? That he misses the scent of your perfume on his pillow or the way you used to never let up in a game of Connect Four. Do you buy what he is selling or do you politely decline?

Now be warned ladies, these “salesmen” are still frogs, the only difference is that they are standing upright, otherwise they still are characterized by their long hind legs, a short body, webbed digits no tail and protruding eyes (usually staring down your shirt). Most frogs have a semi-aquatic lifestyle but move freely on land (otherwise known has bar-hopping looking for a good lay) by jumping or climbing. Because a frog is an amphibian, it is a cold blooded animal (HA!) and has thin moist skin (insert image of him licking his lips before kissing you).

Beyond the physical description and his mating rituals, ladies it is really important to remember how you feel. Can you really have a mutually respectful relationship with a person that once left you because he didn’t feel you were compatible or that he felt you guys weren’t on the “same page”? Can you really get past the feeling of helplessness when he stood in front of you with his hands in his pockets telling you that he didn’t feel the same; when all you longed for was for him to hold you? And finally, can you really unlearn everything you know and love about yourself once you’ve moved on from him? Can you really go back?

I guess this is why most fairy tales skip out on the story of the kissed and dissed frogs. They’re simply a filler, a hurdle, a private triumph for the heroin in the story. Nothing to lose, only to gain while we continue towards our happy endings.

Dedicated to a very special lady named Danielle. I remember the day you came into the office with tears streaming down your face, but the memory that will last forever is the way you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and set out to conquer your dreams. I don’t know if you realize how inspirational you are because I secretly wish we all had the poise and gracefulness you handled him with. 😉 

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Ghost of Boyfriend’s Past

Recently I have been exploring the idea of publishing my written work in a book that I would print myself through Blurb. It’s been quite some time since I have used their service, so I decided to download their BookSmart app to look through some templates. Upon signing in, I came face-to-face with the one book I never thought I’d ever see again. The book which I created back in 2010 appropriately titled ‘Judy & Florian’. I stared frozen at the screen with a million mixed feelings. Feelings of fear, anger, sadness all washed over me. I mean, I shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be opening up a book that contains evidence of a past life that I once lived with a man who ripped my heart into a million little pieces. I shouldn’t be reading the words I wrote on the inside flap; words I once meant. I shouldn’t be looking at the 400-paged photo book that illustrated my life with this now stranger during my early 20’s, while my sweet, loving boyfriend sleeps in the next room. Why did I have this urge to see images I’ve seen before? Why did I want to revisit the past when my present life is filled with more blessings than I ever expected?

As I flipped through the electronic copy of this book that was once printed and shipped to Germany, I couldn’t help laugh at how young I looked and how goofy I was back then. Images of our first meeting, our first date, group dates, local and travel adventures all flashed on the screen in front of me. As I got to the very end, I found the following message :

To My Dearest Flo,

You have been my sunshine after the rain for the past year. Words cannot begin to describe just how much fun I have had with you. Your strength, encouragement, and love for me has transformed me into who I am today.
I hope you have enjoyed our time together. I know that I will remember every last detail about our time together. You will always have a special place in my heart. The love I feel for you is like no other.

This book is a collection of some of the good times we have had together. I hope you cherish every moment we have spent together. I love you and I will miss you from the bottom of my heart.

Lots of Love, Hugs, and Kisses,

Your Judy

As I took a moment to take in my words and the images before me, my eyes suddenly looked away from the monitor and took in the moment I was in; my current surroundings. With the goofiest grin on my face, I took in the strangely comforting noise of Greg’s soft snoring in the background, the romantic dim light of the lamp, and the familiar imagine of the city skyline. It was if I had suddenly snapped back to reality and you know what? My reality, my present, and my future is a thousand times better than all the images that book contained. So I say to you, my friends, my readers, and to those who are afraid to re-visit the past, don’t ever let the past take you away from what you have now. Appreciate your past experiences and secretly thank those who have done you wrong because without their lack of compassion, stupidity, and ignorance, you would have never been able to take in your current mood: #happiness 🙂

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An Unexpected Phone Call

As many of you know, almost a year ago I let go of someone that was very toxic to me. As you many of you recall, I used to refer to him as my version of Christian Grey. I haven’t thought of this person or uttered his name in such a long time that I didn’t even recognize the voice on the other end of the phone.

At around 8:15pm, I received a phone call from a local number. Of course I answered, but what came after turned my entire body cold as ice. It was HIM. The same man that walked in to my life and turned it upside down, then left me in a million pieces was calling. My brain stopped. I would love to say that I had a witty comment as soon as he said his name, but I didn’t. I was speechless. There was so much I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask, so much abuse to I wanted to shout!! But I didn’t. I kept quiet and maintained my composer.

He wanted to apologize. Apologize for all that happened between us and the unspeakable stunt he pulled when he disappeared. I continued to listen. He wanted to see how I was doing and if there was a possibility of us meeting in person to talk. Then finally, I found my voice. I won’t go into detail about what I said, but I will say this; there is no way in hell that any self respecting person would ever accept an apology from such a person.

A conversation that lasted only 6 minutes felt like 6 hours. I sat there in my living room completely still replaying the events of a year ago. Once I snapped out of it, I called the only two people that saw me live through that nightmare almost exactly a year to the date. You can imagine what their reactions were when I told them and believe me, anger is just one of the many descriptive words I could use.

To this person, all I want to say to you is that waiting a year to apologize is pointless. Once I picked myself up and dusted myself off, I forgot about you and the thought of you never once crossed my mind, but it is so obvious that you have thought of me of every single day in the past year. Otherwise, how would you have remembered my number? #ByeFelicia

BTW…I just wanted to add that this is just like the time when Josh called Mindy from rehab and wanted to apologize. #TheMindyProject #TheJudyProject

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Embracing 28

Many of my friends know that I have been dreading turning 28 over the past year. Now that it’s finally happened, I’m starting to embrace this new age.

When I was 20, I imagined that I would be married with a child on the way by now and although things never panned out the way I had imagined, I realized that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now that’s not to say that I am bitter about my friends who are currently married and have children because I love being ‘cool Aunt Judy’ and I know that I want the exact same things some day, just not today.

Today, I’m 28, focusing on my career, and dating. Most of my closest friends know that I have been seeing someone for the past three months. A man, who is kind, caring, and career-driven. Over this short period of time, we’ve had many ups and a few downs. As a woman who has been single for a couple of years, I can tell you that it was a total shock to my system to have someone invade my emotions and my living space. Before I go off on a long list of things he’s done to annoy me, I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for all of my friends who are currently in a relationship, c0-habiting, and or married! Allow me to explain…

I used to hate Sunday’s. As a single female walking down the street on a late Sunday morning, I would cringe inwardly every time I saw a couple holding hands walking past me. My only defence mechanism was to wear my sunglasses, turn up my music, and power walk to wherever I was headed. I often took mental notes when I noticed if a couple was talking, smiling, or simply looking opposite directions as they walked down the street. The happy (and often loud) banter always came from the women who were holding on extra tight, the smiles came from the women who casually walked beside their man, and the longing looks in the opposite directions always came from the women who just seemed a little preoccupied with their own thoughts.

Well into our second month of seeing each other exclusively, I became one of those ‘Sunday couples’ I used to despise. I became oblivious to the unhappy singles around me, and happily went about my day with him. A few Sunday’s ago though, we were on our way to brunch holding hands when I caught myself look in the opposite direction, staring into space, while mentally going over my grocery list, cleaning list, work schedule, and hoping to find free time to make a hair appointment. You see, when I was single, I was able to do all of those things at any time of the day and on any given day! Now, I had my schedule and his schedule to work around! Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with him, but the thought of my home being disheveled, running low on almond butter, and having more split ends than a divorce court was making me anxious! I would like to report that I handled the situation by being an adult and telling him that we both need some time to take care of our own things, but then I’d be lying. So in true Judy fashion, I panicked, and I sort of broke up with him. I gave the excuse that I wasn’t getting enough “me time” and that I hated his bedside manners, and that every time he used the bathroom, I had to redecorate, blah, blah, blah.. (you get the idea). Obviously he wasn’t too impressed with my behaviour and my lengthy list of “excuses”.

There really isn’t an ending to my story except that we’re still seeing each other despite my pathetic anxiety-overload episode, but there is a moral and a lesson I learned. So here it goes…

To all you women who are currently in a relationship, co-habiting, or married, I just wanted to say that your patients, your ability to compromise, and juggle two schedules is admirable because it often goes unnoticed. It’s not the grand gestures or the special occasions where you wear uncomfortable 6-inch heels, it’s the everyday little things you do to maintain a balanced relationship. It is not easy living with or breathing his dirty habits, seeing his dirty coffee mug in the sink, and it is especially not easy looking under the toilet seat on cleaning day, but you take it like a champ and make it look so good. To my best friend who has the patience of a saint, I now understand whole heartedly why you wanted a body bag. 😉 To my Mom, your Mom, and all the new Mom’s out there, I put you on a pedestal because not only do you have to put up with him, you now have to put with his offspring! And this is why I am embracing where I am today at 28. I respect all my friends for achieving what they have in their personal lives whether it’s a relationship, marriage, or parenthood. It’ll all come in time for me, just not now because I’m happy to say, I’m not ready. 🙂

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2014, Year in Review

As I sit on my couch staring out the window, I’m trying to come to terms with how I managed to still be single after a busy year of dating. Fresh off a recent breakup from a relationship that only lasted three months, I can’t help but get down on myself for not being able to make it to Christmas or even New Years. With one less Christmas gift and no one to kiss on New Years Eve for the third year in a row, I’m beginning to think that I am the Chosen One– the only female on this planet that will remain single forever.

The Beef…

2014 started off with the deterioration of my affair with my still-legally-married friend, whom I parted ways with for the better. Despite our unconventional split, I will always remember his last words to me: “You brought out the sex addict in me”.

Dear John…

Some people says that in order to get over a man, you have to get under another one. So I did just that with a lovely man named John. John had done well for himself in his career in finance. He was tall, lean, smart, but lacking charm. We went on a few dates before I chose to get under him, or rather, when I tried to get under him. You see, John had one kink about him that I just couldn’t overcome…John kept his clothes on in bed. That’s right! He kept his socks, boxers, and shirt on as he got intimate. I won’t go into any further detail, but I will say that my exact words to him were: “I think the moment has passed and so has my self-infilicted curfew.” A few days later, I politely declined another date.

Everybody loves Jake..

In order to get over the awkwardness of John and my aching heart from The Beef, I decided to go on a date with a man a few years older than me named Jake. Jake was self-assumed, cocky, and looked like he belonged on Miami Vice. He was too cool for school and he sensed my discomfort at a cocktail party where I was forced to rub shoulders with a few ‘highbrowed’ individuals. Jake was the guy that loved a challenge, especially in his women. I gave him the brush-off a few times before I let my girly bits win the battle. After a pleasant dine and wine date, Jake insisted on driving me home despite my best attempt to convince him that walking across the street to get home was a better option. He asked if he could take me somewhere I’ve never been before. So, I threw caution to the wind and guess where that got me…A sex club. I was uncomfortable, but curious so I went with the latter and walked into what felt like another dimension! We walked in and everyone seemed to know him on a first name basis. Men and women alike seemed to look at him knowingly. Clearly I was fresh meat and Jake was a the old dog. I met some great people that night and definitely let my guard down, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was Jake’s pinup girl for that night. He put on quite a performance that night in front of all of his pals and I was his leading lady. I never returned his calls or texts after that night. Men like Jake are like old dogs that know one trick that they’re really good at and that’s why he’ll always be a one-trick-wonder in my eyes.

Tinder Surprises… 

In an attempt to erase the memory of my night with Jake, the awkwardness of John, and my now mildly aching heart from The Beef, I decided to give Tinder a try. I dated three different guys, with three very different personalities which I blogged about. If you haven’t read it yet, please scroll down and read ‘Tinder Surprise”. Let’s just say that none of those lasted longer than a date and til this day I still can’t remember what the pro golfer’s name was!

Andrew, Match.com Poster Boy Poser…

As I tried to recover from my Tinder adventures, my one-night-wonder with Jake, my awkwardness with John, and my numb feelings for The Beef, I met Andrew, 32, Kindergarden Teacher who was looking for love on Match.com. This site is a hit or miss with people and for me, it’s always been a miss. This guy set up the most compelling profile and made himself out to be a sensitive guy who loves children. Little I did I know that I was fluffing and puffing myself for a suburban gangster who is not 6″1 (as mentioned on his profile), with the worst table manners known to mankind. Our date lastest for the longest two hours of my life, during which time I forced myself to be polite and engaging, even though all I wanted to do was run for the hills. After our initial date, we exchanged a few polite text messages where I mentioned that he wasn’t anything I expected. Andrew asked if it was a good thing and I didn’t have time to respond because my phone died. I took that as a sign from the Gods.

The Most Recent…

In a desperate attempt to reset my memory before Andrew, recovering from my Tinder adventures, my one-night-wonder with Jake, the awkwardness with John, and my history with The Beef, I met G. I feel like I’m not quite ready to talk about this one just yet. He was the textbook definition of a nice guy. Sometimes guys like that look for girls that are mild-mannered and agreeable, none of which describes my personality. I am not a trophy wife or girlfriend. I have my good days and bad and my hair will only look good when you’re not rushing me out of the house. To this person, all I can say is that I can never be the person you want me to be, but I hope you find her someday. 🙂

There you have it ladies and germs, my year in review. So 2014 didn’t bring me love, but it did give me a lot to think about in terms of what I’m not looking for in my life. To all the men that came (no pun intended) into and out of my life, I hope you all find what you’re looking for because you ain’t gonna find it here, honey! 😉

Photo on 2014-11-25 at 6.17 PM

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He’s not all sugar, honey!

Ladies, don’t always assume the ‘nice guy’ is all sugar. I recently discovered that the textbook nice guy I was dating was a whole lot of nice that got nasty pretty quick when things didn’t go his way. If under any circumstances, you come encounter any of the following situations or traits, immediately take off your closed-toe kitty heels and RUN!

1. Admits that he is a “Mama’s boy” with pride.

2. Thinks it’s really cute when you badger him about his odd habits, but can’t stand it when you intelligently debate a topic related to politics, religion, or academics.

3. Wants you to meet his friends and family after a month of dating and before you’ve had the chance to have “the talk”.

4. Tells you randomly that he would only marry you if his mother insisted on it to make her happy.

5. Invites you to spend the night and then gives you a bus token to get home because he’s late for work and driving would only harm the environment.

6. Complains that you never compliment him and when you finally do, he accepts it by saying, “I know”.

7. Helps you put together your Christmas tree and then kills the spirit by saying that your ornaments don’t have character like the ones at his parents house.

8. Says that all he wants for Christmas is you and then subtly hints that he needs new leather gloves, but not any old leather gloves! Oh no no no, he wants the same ones he bought for himself at Harry Rosen.

9. Says that he was putting up with you for the first five days that you were sick, even though you’ve been taking care of yourself 100% of the time. WTF…

10. In an argument, he starts listing off all the things that are wrong with him in order to guilt trip you.

If you’ve encountered any of the things I’ve listed above, there should be a tiny stick man waving a red flag in your head right about…. NOW!

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