There are thousands of books on the market advising women on how to get a man and keep him. Be yourself-but be different. Be a bitch- don’t be a monster. Wear that sexy black dress- don’t try too hard. I’ve never been one to remember all the confusing tips after reading books like that or applying it to real-life situations. The truth is, when we think we have found ‘the one’, we tend to throw the rule book out and go about our relationship the best way we know how. But what if you come to a point in your relationship when your ‘best’ isn’t enough for your significant other?
I threw the rule book out. I read it. Internalized it and forgot 98% of it. I decided to be myself and for the past two years I kept my spirits high, hopes full, and my guard down. Little did I know that I would be sitting in front of my computer screen feeling the exact opposite. Right now I feel like I let myself down.
By throwing out the rule book, I thought I would be the best girlfriend there ever was. You know,the one who doesn’t care to call eight times a day, or doesn’t text 437 times to check where he is or what he is doing, the one who make enough dinner, so he can have a packed lunch for the next day, the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and pre-arranged everything so that life would just be a breeze. I figured that the more I did, the more he would see how invaluable I was to him.
Then one day the appreciative comments stopped, the ‘thanks you’s’ were few and far between. It was as if certain loving gestures like dinner, dry cleaning, and errands were just expected. Had I created a monster? Was this a result of always doing my best? Was this behaviour exactly what those books were referring to?
The truth is, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I don’t want the pages of a ‘how to’ book to slap me in the face for doing exactly the opposite of what it was telling me to do.
This is what I do know…
I know that when you walk through the door and you divert your eyes to the kitchen counter instead of my beaming face, I die a little on the inside.
I know that when you’re thoughtfully chewing your food, my ears perk up to hear what you’re going to say about the meal I worked so hard to plan and prepare.
I know that when the gentleman at the dry cleaners calls me Mrs. G, I blush and scuttle off, only to remember half way home that you were didn’t ask me to pick it up, you told me to.
I know that when you haven’t called or texted all day and it’s past 11pm, I fear the worst.
I know that when we both come home from a long day of work and you don’t ask me how was day was, I feel alone.
I know that the silence between us is getting bigger and louder everyday and I am afraid you can’t hear me screaming on the inside.
Maybe the chapters I skipped over was trying to warn me about feeling like this if I didn’t play by the rules. Perhaps playing by the rules, instead of giving it all you’ve got is the only way to get a man and keep him.