The Heart Wants What It Wants…

I’m not a huge fan of Selena Gomez, but a great song, is still a great song. I guess I should explain why this song affects me so much and why I agree that the heart wants what it wants…

Over a year ago, I lived a modern fairy tale that didn’t have a happy ending. He was handsome, smart, mature, wealthy, and he made my skin tingle. I guess you could say that I lived a real-life 50 Shades fairytale with a sickening twist. You see, my Christian Grey was still legally married, despite his separation.

We started our affair with the understanding that it was purely physical. But it was hard to deny the chemistry, attraction, and fire between us. He was a man that could walk into a room and instantly become buddies with everyone in the room. Behind closed doors, he was dark, mysterious, passionate, and vulnerable. Over the course of eight months we went from having sex all over Toronto to not being able to tolerate anyone else’s attention on each other. He acted more of a boyfriend than a hook up. He brought me coffee in the middle of the day, picked me up from work, and surprised me with breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings. I knew I was playing with fire, but I refused to listen to my friends and my head. I knew what I craved and what my heart wanted; a man who was unattainable.

I knew I was playing with fire and it was only a matter of time before I got burned. In mid February he left for a month-long business trip to the Middle East. I had every last detail of his trip because he emailed me an itinerary. I was surprisingly okay with him being away, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to hear the night he landed in Dubai. His wife, whom he has been separated for quite for some time had flown to Dubai to surprise him. The FaceTime calls, Facebook messages, and emails suddenly stopped. I tortured myself for three days until he finally messaged the day before he was expected to fly back.

I shamelessly picked him up from the airport and spent an entire week with him while his wife flew out to Dubai to their home in Mexico. I was showered in lavish gifts, but something changed. He was distant and those gifts held no value to me. Despite feeling worthless, I fought my better judgement and let him spend a week in my condo as we pretended to play house.

Over the months following, my days were filled with emptiness and regret. I was mentally preparing myself for him to leave for Vancouver (his hometown) since he was wrapping up his 2-year stay in Toronto. He sent me flowers, edible arrangements, and lavish gifts as a substitution for his absence. I sucked it up and tried to move on by dating here and there even though all I wanted was for things to go back to the way we were in the beginning. Nothing could have prepared me for the way things ended with us in April which maybe one day I will be ready to talk about, but for now, it remains one of the darkest days of my twenties. Let’s just say that we both live on opposite ends of the country.

You see, I saw a side of him that no one else did, not even his wife. Men who cheat on their significant other’s are more brutally honest and open up more frequently with their mistresses because they don’t feel like they owe us anything. They don’t have to pay our bills or feel the slightest bit of responsibility for their mistresses. And that is why I was convinced that he had feelings for me, when all along, I was an outlet to escape from his demons.

Today, I have moved on and I rarely think of him. I am thankful for my friends that have helped me get through a really dark time in my life. I convinced myself that a man that only worshipped me for my body and my sexual openness was in love with me. My heart wanted him to care about me as much as I cared about him. There was a million reasons why I should have given him up a long time ago, but you’re right Selena Gomez, the heart does want what it wants…

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