Ghost of Boyfriend’s Past

Recently I have been exploring the idea of publishing my written work in a book that I would print myself through Blurb. It’s been quite some time since I have used their service, so I decided to download their BookSmart app to look through some templates. Upon signing in, I came face-to-face with the one book I never thought I’d ever see again. The book which I created back in 2010 appropriately titled ‘Judy & Florian’. I stared frozen at the screen with a million mixed feelings. Feelings of fear, anger, sadness all washed over me. I mean, I shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be opening up a book that contains evidence of a past life that I once lived with a man who ripped my heart into a million little pieces. I shouldn’t be reading the words I wrote on the inside flap; words I once meant. I shouldn’t be looking at the 400-paged photo book that illustrated my life with this now stranger during my early 20’s, while my sweet, loving boyfriend sleeps in the next room. Why did I have this urge to see images I’ve seen before? Why did I want to revisit the past when my present life is filled with more blessings than I ever expected?

As I flipped through the electronic copy of this book that was once printed and shipped to Germany, I couldn’t help laugh at how young I looked and how goofy I was back then. Images of our first meeting, our first date, group dates, local and travel adventures all flashed on the screen in front of me. As I got to the very end, I found the following message :

To My Dearest Flo,

You have been my sunshine after the rain for the past year. Words cannot begin to describe just how much fun I have had with you. Your strength, encouragement, and love for me has transformed me into who I am today.
I hope you have enjoyed our time together. I know that I will remember every last detail about our time together. You will always have a special place in my heart. The love I feel for you is like no other.

This book is a collection of some of the good times we have had together. I hope you cherish every moment we have spent together. I love you and I will miss you from the bottom of my heart.

Lots of Love, Hugs, and Kisses,

Your Judy

As I took a moment to take in my words and the images before me, my eyes suddenly looked away from the monitor and took in the moment I was in; my current surroundings. With the goofiest grin on my face, I took in the strangely comforting noise of Greg’s soft snoring in the background, the romantic dim light of the lamp, and the familiar imagine of the city skyline. It was if I had suddenly snapped back to reality and you know what? My reality, my present, and my future is a thousand times better than all the images that book contained. So I say to you, my friends, my readers, and to those who are afraid to re-visit the past, don’t ever let the past take you away from what you have now. Appreciate your past experiences and secretly thank those who have done you wrong because without their lack of compassion, stupidity, and ignorance, you would have never been able to take in your current mood: #happiness 🙂


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