How to get yourself out of doing his laundry

Having a boyfriend sleepover from time to time can sometimes be an absolute nightmare for women. Aside from the awkwardness of morning breath, the fear of him seeing your bedhead, and your panty drawer, there is one thing that tops it all: HIS DIRTY LAUNDRY. If you’re like me, the sight of dirty clothes accumulating in the corner of your bedroom makes you cringe, especially when it belongs to someone else. I made the mistake early on in a relationship of doing his laundry every time a new pile started to form in the corner of my bedroom. Every other day I would throw his clothes in the wash after work just so I don’t have to see it in the morning. Boy was that a mistake because soon after he caught on and the pile just kept on growing. It didn’t take him long to put a note on my fridge that I needed an ironing board. And THAT was when I came to a screeching halt.

This was war. Sure, I could just tell him to get his clothes out of the corner or tell him to wash his own clothes. But I wanted to remain the sweet and innocent creature that he took me for. So, the day he left me another sweet note to put his whites in, was the day I took matters into my own hands. Like a dutiful girlfriend, I put all of his whites in the wash, made sure the water was hot, and even used his favourite detergent and when everything was a go, I threw in my brand new red panties for good measure.

The look on his face when he opened the lid to throw his clothes into the dryer when he came home was priceless. It was a mixture between anger, regret, and confusion. I let him stomp around and throw his arms up in the air, but nothing and I mean nothing was more satisfying than hearing him threaten me with the following: “You will never, EVER do my laundry ever again. I am going to take all my clothes and do them at mine from now on.”

Victory. 🙂

laundry-pile-on-cart-3

Advertisements
Posted in Dating, Dirty Laundry, How to | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Heart Wants What It Wants…

I’m not a huge fan of Selena Gomez, but a great song, is still a great song. I guess I should explain why this song affects me so much and why I agree that the heart wants what it wants…

Over a year ago, I lived a modern fairy tale that didn’t have a happy ending. He was handsome, smart, mature, wealthy, and he made my skin tingle. I guess you could say that I lived a real-life 50 Shades fairytale with a sickening twist. You see, my Christian Grey was still legally married, despite his separation.

We started our affair with the understanding that it was purely physical. But it was hard to deny the chemistry, attraction, and fire between us. He was a man that could walk into a room and instantly become buddies with everyone in the room. Behind closed doors, he was dark, mysterious, passionate, and vulnerable. Over the course of eight months we went from having sex all over Toronto to not being able to tolerate anyone else’s attention on each other. He acted more of a boyfriend than a hook up. He brought me coffee in the middle of the day, picked me up from work, and surprised me with breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings. I knew I was playing with fire, but I refused to listen to my friends and my head. I knew what I craved and what my heart wanted; a man who was unattainable.

I knew I was playing with fire and it was only a matter of time before I got burned. In mid February he left for a month-long business trip to the Middle East. I had every last detail of his trip because he emailed me an itinerary. I was surprisingly okay with him being away, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to hear the night he landed in Dubai. His wife, whom he has been separated for quite for some time had flown to Dubai to surprise him. The FaceTime calls, Facebook messages, and emails suddenly stopped. I tortured myself for three days until he finally messaged the day before he was expected to fly back.

I shamelessly picked him up from the airport and spent an entire week with him while his wife flew out to Dubai to their home in Mexico. I was showered in lavish gifts, but something changed. He was distant and those gifts held no value to me. Despite feeling worthless, I fought my better judgement and let him spend a week in my condo as we pretended to play house.

Over the months following, my days were filled with emptiness and regret. I was mentally preparing myself for him to leave for Vancouver (his hometown) since he was wrapping up his 2-year stay in Toronto. He sent me flowers, edible arrangements, and lavish gifts as a substitution for his absence. I sucked it up and tried to move on by dating here and there even though all I wanted was for things to go back to the way we were in the beginning. Nothing could have prepared me for the way things ended with us in April which maybe one day I will be ready to talk about, but for now, it remains one of the darkest days of my twenties. Let’s just say that we both live on opposite ends of the country.

You see, I saw a side of him that no one else did, not even his wife. Men who cheat on their significant other’s are more brutally honest and open up more frequently with their mistresses because they don’t feel like they owe us anything. They don’t have to pay our bills or feel the slightest bit of responsibility for their mistresses. And that is why I was convinced that he had feelings for me, when all along, I was an outlet to escape from his demons.

Today, I have moved on and I rarely think of him. I am thankful for my friends that have helped me get through a really dark time in my life. I convinced myself that a man that only worshipped me for my body and my sexual openness was in love with me. My heart wanted him to care about me as much as I cared about him. There was a million reasons why I should have given him up a long time ago, but you’re right Selena Gomez, the heart does want what it wants…

Posted in Dating, Sex | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Kink Factor

‘Great sex’ can be a multitude of things, but too often we see having ‘great sex’ with someone as something erotic and kinky with whips and chains as opposed to sensual and moving. Allow me to explain, since the release of 50 Shades of Grey, women and men have been bombarded with unrealistic expectations of how they should perform in the bedroom. Sure, reading the pages filled with whips, chains, and ball gags being used in steamy sex scenes made us all a little hot under the collar, but has anyone really tried it? Well I have and allow me to give you a glimpse into what it really feels like for us women.

I was seeing a man that I will forever refer to as my version of Christian Grey. He was wealthy, possessive, and the kinkiest man I’ve ever met. After our first brunch, he took me to a high end fetish store. As I walked in and took all the images of BDSM staring back at me, I couldn’t help but get a little excited about what was about to go down. The smell of leather in various clothes, toys, and accessories was overwhelming. There were whips, paddles, chains, ropes, ball gages, and even nipple clamps! YIKES! I didn’t know what to expect! It turned out that every and anything I turned my attention to was being carefully placed near the register, getting ready to be wrapped and packed. A couple of hundreds of dollars later, we were off on our merry way unsure of what I was able to experience.

Over the course of eight months, I had the wildest, craziest, kinkiest sex of my entire life, but the rush from it all made me ignore all the things I didn’t like about constantly having “freaky sex”.

-First, I hated the smell of leather! Wearing a leather blindfold made my makeup run that I worked so hard on!

-The leather straps on the ball gag always made my hair smell funny afterwards! Yuck!

-Speaking of ball gags…That thing always tasted like silicone, no matter how many times I washed and disinfected!

-The rope that tied my breasts always hurt after five minutes into it. It’s hard to breathe when you’re tied up and being man handled! Why don’t guys understand this!?

– The whips were either too hard or too soft. Nobody likes the feeling of a riding crop on their bare bottom! Not even horses! That shit hurts! And if you’re going to spank me with a leather paddle that cost $300, at least buy leather in the form of a handbag, so I can put it to good use afterwards!

-Finally, handcuffs without the fluffy protector are only meant for real arrests. Those things hurt like hell and should be left to the professionals like Police Officers.

After rope burn and a sore bottom, I always looked forward to a hot shower. Looking back, I guess I was metaphorically washing away all that happened minutes prior. Many of you may be wondering why there was no cuddling or spooning afterwards, so allow me to put it into perspective for you. Why would anyone want to hug the man that just hurt your bare bottom and made you smell like a leather factory? As humans we can’t turn our emotions on and off like a light switch, so why would I expect him to all of a sudden become a loving and gentle creature when only minutes prior, he was dominating and ruthless?

People always say, ‘don’t knock it til you try it’! Well I have and it’s something that should be done in moderation, which brings me back to my thought of what it means to have ‘great sex’. Great sex in my opinion is something that has a little bit of naughty and a little bit of nice. 😉

Posted in Dating, Kink, Sex | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Tinder Surprise!

tinder-surprise-2

Ahhhh…Good old TINDER! Our generation’s way of attaining instant gratification and acceptance from the opposite sex. After spending countless hours on this app, I found myself wondering which guy on my list of matches was going to work up the courage to message me. Apparently, 7 out of 39 matches took the plunge. Only 3 made it past the initial pick up line.
Tinder Surprise #1: 24,Entrepreneur/Financial Advisor, Reminds me of Ferris Bueller
This is the guy your father wants you to stay away from and your mother can’t get enough of. The charmer and the panty dropper. He not only looks like the boy-next-door, but also talks like the man candy God in your 50 Shades fantasy. Your typical finance bloke; works hard, plays hard, fucks you the hardest.
Tinder Surprise #2: 27, Pro Golfer, Straight from the burbs
This is the guy you meet a bar when he’s hanging out with his buddies. He doesn’t really stand out at much, but you know there is something about him that you can’t quite put your finger on. Is that turd I smell covered in cologne? He’s the guy that drives a fancy car and lives in his parents home in the suburbs, while owning a condo in Florida, but you never really understand how he affords to do it with his athlete stats once you’ve Googled him.
Tinder Surprise #3: 29, Eastern European, Hipster (Oh, I went there)
This is the stone-washed skinny jeans wearing fellow that takes you to a grungy, dirty bar on a nice summer evening. As soon as you walk in, you immediately regret wearing your wedges and your cute floral dress with pockets! This is the guy that thinks he’s too cool to care about current events and would much prefer if you shut up and listened to him speak about his first time getting high. He’s also the guy that buys you the $3 pint and orders you to get the next round.
As you can see, I’ve judged, labelled and categorized my Tinder Eggs, but the bag of tricks hidden in each one definitely caught me by surprise!

Posted in Dating, Matchmaking, Tinder, Understanding Men | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Single-Girl Thoughts

As I’m sitting on my couch sick as a dog and flipping through Netflix, I couldn’t help but wonder why Netflix hasn’t doubled up as a dating service. Besides suggesting shows for me it could suggest the following: “Judy, here are 12 other singles that watched ‘Clone Wars’ for seven straight hours, click to connect”
‪#‎smrt‬ ‪#‎netflix‬ ‪#‎matchmaker‬

Posted in Dating, Matchmaking, Single Girl | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Catch & Release

I met the textbook definition of a ‘perfect guy’. He was sweet, handsome, educated, and agreeable. The problem is, he was too agreeable and almost too perfect that I felt like I wasn’t being challenged. I realized that he isn’t the problem, I am. I thought I was looking for Mr. Perfect, and now that I’ve found him, I realized that perfect is not what I’m looking for. So the search continues!

Posted in Dating, Single Girl, Understanding Men | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Good morning!

When a man calls you at 9:30 in the morning and asks you to breakfast because he didn’t want last night’s date to end, it’s time to get out of bed, take a quick shower, and get it together girl! ‪

Posted in Dating, Single Girl | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment